So this is what I want to do all day. Just stay in bed and not face the world. I feel like this pretty much every day. Although I don't look this pretty and I certainly don't feel very pretty. It's a chore to do anything. Sometimes I'm forced to respond to a text, feed my dogs and cats, let the dogs out to go to the bathroom, see who's at my door, find something to eat, etc. If it wasn't for these things, I wouldn't get out of bed.
Just taking a shower is a challenge each and every day, that is, when I actually take a shower. For whatever reason it's one of the hardest things for me to do. Of course I'm glad I do once I actually take a shower, yet it takes so much energy to get myself to do it. I just don't understand.
So I'd say I'm "in Crisis." Didn't really understand that word on a personal level until this year. I have panic/anxiety attacks daily. I can barely function. I have eleven more days to come up with rent money plus half of rent money from the previous month from my bounced check. I freeze up every day when it comes to selling more of my belongings. I barely function. I cry daily. I feel hopeless daily.
So tomorrow morning I may be starting an intensive outpatient program for my Depression and PTSD. Of course I can't afford it, yet I'm praying my Bishop will pull through and see how desperately I need help. There are too many days I feel like I can't keep going. I've lost my purpose. I've lost who I am. My desire for life is practically gone. I worry this is my last chance to turn my life around and it won't work. I've let so many people down, particularly my children. I am NOT the mother I was meant to be.
I'm a Mississippi girl living just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah. I've been living in Utah 18 years next month. I'm now 46 years old and I'm lost, lost in the dark. What a life I've had.
Well, currently I'm sitting in the living room in my rented town home in Draper, Utah, watching a recorded movie on my DVR called "Julie & Julia." Amy Adams that plays Julie in the movie decided to start a blog and I thought maybe it would be a good idea I create a blog so I could have "someone" to talk to. I've had so many dark days and this past Saturday was one of the lowest. I'm determined to save my own life, yet it's probably the most challenging thing I've ever done.
Since I have ADD, I thought maybe it would be more fun to add photos along the way.
I've noticed that when I'm depressed, my ADD seems to be worse. Maybe because I just lose site on what I want in life. Who knows? I take Adderall. I should take it twice a day, yet since I don't have insurance it cost's about $89 so I take it once a day so I can stretch out my supply for two months. I would probably do better if I took it twice a day, yet not until I'm working again and I feel a little more secure financially.
